That's a stupid title -- like anybody else, I've been doing a lot of things, great and small, possibly important and probably pointless.
Maybe I've spent the past ten years or so trying to avoid coming to terms with -- well, not my divorce (we were both ready to go our own ways), but being on my own emotionally, which is different.
When I got married, I was feeling pretty lost, and maybe not ready or not able to deal with a bunch of things involving my relationships with women on a kind of general level (and these were heavy-duty things that I needed to deal with). Getting married allowed my to set those issues aside, because I was in a relationship that I understood, and which occupied all of my attention.
By the time that we separated, I had dealt with maybe 70% to 80% of those issues, just in the course of life, and I was in many ways a very different person.
And (this kind of thing does happen in life - quite a lot, I suspect), I let me get preoccupied with something else (not surprisingly, something which could serve as an emotional stand-in for my former marriage) over the past ten years or so, in a way that allowed me to put off (or at least slow down the process of) dealing with the remaining 20% to 30% if my relations-with-women issues.
During the past few years, though, I have started to deal with those issues (which are, not surprisingly, embarrassingly juvenile in their emotional content, and quite, quite stale), pretty much as part of the process of circulating socially. And now, it looks like I'm watching the tape run out on my long-term emotional-stand-in/excuse-not-to-deal-with. As in, OK, maybe my divorce is final now on an emotional level.
So, I find myself on my own emotionally (in terms of relations with women), minus most of the issues that I had when I was younger, and able to deal with what remains (kind of like a booger that you realize is still hanging from your nose).
Aaaannnnd... Because life does like to deal from a deck full of jokers, I am at this point (post-marriage, post-divorce, post-spending-too-long-putting-off-dealing-with-my-own-BS), quite a lot older than I was before all of the aforesaid stuff (as in seriously over the hill), to the point where I now do not know what my prospects with women are, simply based on my age. I spent too damn long on the shelf, and now I don't know whether I'm worth anything at all, and if I am, how much.
Or to put it another way, when I was young and more or less eligible (based on age, OK appearance, and obnoxiously in-your-face hipness), I was so messed up emotionally in my relations with women that I spent more time than not being a walking disaster -- and now, when I'm so old that I'm not sure whether I'm eligible for anything (or at least anything I'd want) in terms of romance, I'm Mr. Cool in my relations with women (actually in a very good and non-messed-up way for the most part, which kind of surprises even me), but I'm not sure whether at my age I can reasonably expect anything to come of that except for a hug, a smile, and some good conversation.
At least that's the story that I'm telling myself (and anyone who bothers to snoop around here, if there is such a person) this week.