im bewegung

totallyuncool1


Yes, actually. I can.

Because it is my nature to be able to do that.


I would confess to everything...
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
...but it doesn't matter. Only the questions remain: Have I been wicked enough? Have I been real enough? Have I been passionate enough? Have I been kind enough? Have I been, or am I just a cardboard cut-out version of myself, of what I could be if I allowed myself to exist?
No. That's wrong. The question isn't about me, about how I have conducted the business of my life. That's a private thing.
The question is about whether I have done damage connected on the level of the heart been blindly destructive somehow made myself real inside you...
No. This is still the hall of mirrors, and the unhall of unmirrors is still the sunlit world.
The question isn't whether I, you, or anyone else has been - it is whether it is possible to be real now.
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Am I trolling you, or am I trolling me?
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
When all is said and done, we must learn to survive in each other's presence.
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Social Note
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
Ineptitude at wickedness is not virtue, he reminded himself. It is merely ineptitude.
True, he replied, but at least it is an attempt to escape from virtue, and that must count for something.

Central Casting
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
When you find that you have been cast as the villain in someone else's life, you can fight against it with all of the wit and intelligence that you can manage, you can do as much as possible to be an un-villain, but what you cannot do is escape the role.
And to be honest, if you look inside your soul, you probably will see what it was that got you the part.
But what you must never, ever do is give in entirerly to Central Casting; you must never let them have their way with who you really are.
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私だけのモンスター, Part 2
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
Maybe this is the question that we all need to ask ourselves, and that none of us want to answer:
What does evil look like when you see it in the mirror? 
Would you recognize it for what it is, or would you only see the justifications and stories behind which it hides?
Because it is there in the mirror for all of us, if only we are honest enough to see it for what it is.
If you saw it, what strategies would you devise for living with it?  For that is what you would do.

Or to put it another way...
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
"Hey," he shouted into the rather thin-looking non-region of nowhere, "you can't abandon me --  I'm abandoning you first!"
He listened for a while, then shook his head.
Nothing.  Not even a faint, faint echo.
Oh, well, he shrugged, What. Ev. Errrrrrrrr.

What I've Been Doing
im bewegung
totallyuncool1

That's a stupid title  --  like anybody else, I've been doing a lot of things, great and small, possibly important and probably pointless.

But specifically...

Maybe I've spent the past ten years or so trying to avoid coming to terms with  --  well, not my divorce (we were both ready to go our own ways), but being on my own emotionally, which is different.

When I got married, I was feeling pretty lost, and maybe not ready or not able to deal with a bunch of things involving my relationships with women on a kind of general level (and these were heavy-duty things that I needed to deal with).  Getting married allowed my to set those issues aside, because I was in a relationship that I understood, and which occupied all of my attention.

By the time that we separated, I had dealt with maybe 70% to 80% of those issues, just in the course of life, and I was in many ways a very different person.

And (this kind of thing does happen in life - quite a lot, I suspect), I let me get preoccupied with something else (not surprisingly, something which could serve as an emotional stand-in for my former marriage) over the past ten years or so, in a way that allowed me to put off (or at least slow down the process of) dealing with the remaining 20% to 30% if my relations-with-women issues.

During the past few years, though, I have started to deal with those issues (which are, not surprisingly, embarrassingly juvenile in their emotional content, and quite, quite stale), pretty much as part of the process of circulating socially.  And now, it looks like I'm watching the tape run out on my long-term emotional-stand-in/excuse-not-to-deal-with.  As in, OK, maybe my divorce is final now on an emotional level.

So, I find myself on my own emotionally (in terms of relations with women), minus most of the issues that I had when I was younger, and able to deal with what remains (kind of like a booger that you realize is still hanging from your nose).

Aaaannnnd... Because life does like to deal from a deck full of jokers, I am at this point (post-marriage, post-divorce, post-spending-too-long-putting-off-dealing-with-my-own-BS), quite a lot older than I was before all of the aforesaid stuff (as in seriously over the hill), to the point where I now do not know what my prospects with women are, simply based on my age.  I spent too damn long on the shelf, and now I don't know whether I'm worth anything at all, and if I am, how much.

Or to put it another way, when I was young and more or less eligible (based on age, OK appearance, and obnoxiously in-your-face hipness), I was so messed up emotionally in my relations with women that I spent more time than not being a walking disaster  --  and now, when I'm so old that I'm not sure whether I'm eligible for anything (or at least anything I'd want) in terms of romance, I'm Mr. Cool in my relations with women (actually in a very good and non-messed-up way for the most part, which kind of surprises even me), but I'm not sure whether at my age I can reasonably expect anything to come of that except for a hug, a smile, and some good conversation.

At least that's the story that I'm telling myself (and anyone who bothers to snoop around here, if there is such a person) this week.


Memory, Madness, and Something that Might be the Truth
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
I just remembered something I had done here, in this office, years ago  --  an act of kindness, and a scrupulously honorable one at that, toward someone who hated me, who feared me, and who, I suspect, loved me more than a little.  It was genuine kindnesss, too, and genuine honor, only...  How can one tell where kindness and honor end, and Machiavellianism begins; how can one tell the difference between kindness and subtle manipulation, between honor and dishonor, at all?  Perhaps there is no difference; perhaps it is merely a matter of how we see the world, how we see ourselves, how we see each other.
And if I'm going to be a little bit honest, maybe these distinctions simply don't matter to me.  Maybe what I want is passionate engagement, and maybe the route that leads there matters less than the degree of passion, and the intensity of the engagement.
Maybe the difference between love and madness is merely a formality, one which we observe only because we are afraid of what will happen if we fail to keep up appearances.

私だけのモンスター
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
We bring our monsters with us to the party, and I understand now that even after all this time, I am not without mine.  By now, they are old, familiar faces, almost friends, but only almost.  And...
Hey, wait a minute.  I just figured it out.  I've screwed myself up much more from avoiding my collection of pet monsters over the years (make that decades, and definitely plural) than I or they could have if I'd simply stuck around and let them try to chew me to bits.  I'm old and burned out now, and so are they, so I might as well stick around and deal with them.
Aaaannnd... Enough of this overdone, stupidly melodramatic monster metaphor.  I know what kind of crap I'm talking about, even if I'm not about to blab it all over the Internet.
But no monsters.  Just me trying to work up the nerve to deal with really basic, junior-high-school-level "wanna be brave enough to ask that girl to dance"  stuff that I've spent much more time trying to avoid.
Really.  After all these years, and all I've done and experienced.  Still stuck in junior high.  How embarrassing can you get?
Maybe that's why there are no monsters.  It's even too juvenile and embarrassing for them.

The new hall of mirrors
im bewegung
totallyuncool1
On a cultural level, though, the new hall of mirrors isn't all that new:

The belief that "we've figured out almost all of everything there is to know in the world, and it's just a matter of filling in a few details" is one of the persistent illusions of rationalism.

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